Something I want to see before I kick the bucket is my Mom so happy and unstressed that she’ll cry. I mean that is a weird thing to say, but I really want to have my Mom live an unstressful future. She deserves every little bit of luxury I can try to give her. I mean, I’m young now, and I can’t really do much but argue with her, but shit man. She’s awesome, she may be an angry ass person and she nags way to much, but she means well. I love her, and one day I’m going to try and figure a way out to take all that stress in her life and kick it to the motherfucking curb. Take her on a trip to Cambodia or some shit. I wouldn’t even know. 

You know, I’ve always wanted to have a surprise, I always enjoyed them, like a surprise birthday party, or a surprise just because, and I’m the type of person to never be disappointed in a surprise! I LOVE SURPRISES. I always wished a would take me out on a surprise date, or asked me to a dance hella cute and shit, I don’t know, I’m not asking for it, but I just really like shit like that, I enjoying doing them for others too! :D It’s just fun, and it always puts a big ass smile to my face. HAHA. I sound hella gay. But Yeah. Good surprises, none of that, “OH YOU’RE A FATHER NOW.” Shit. No. Get out of here with that shit.

I want to get enough money one day and spend it all on my fixed gear; aerospokes, Leader frames, or carbon fiber, new wheel set, maybe try out drops, crank, new gear ratio, I DON’T FUCKING KNOW. I WANT IT ALL. NEW PAINT JOB. NEW SEXY EVERYTHING. FUCK. I WISH I HAD MONEY SO I CAN FIX UP MY BIKE. OMG. UUUUGGGHHHHHH. I HELLA WANT TO SO BAD. FUCK. I just want to spend money on a new bike already..

Being alone is for the best. It’s easy for me. I can learn to fend for myself, not needing anybody, no expectations, no worries for anyone else, I won’t ever feel like a burden, and if something goes wrong, I’ll have no one to blame but myself, no complaints, no stress. 

I’ve felt like a burden all my life, I feel even more of a burden to everyone as of this moment. I’ve been known as the needy child, never being able to do anything for myself, and you know what? I agree, and thats entirely my fault, I used to blame it on my parents, and they way they sheltered me and wouldn’t give me open chances to do anything, so I got used to it, and now, it’s fucking me over. I missed so many chances and opportunities because so, I’m having people look down on me and see me as trouble than an equal, I’m having rough times with some of my best friends because of me being a burden and needing them so often and relying on them, when really it was never their job to begin with. I’m not going to lie, and face it, Alex was a big part of my life, he helped make everything so easy, and I depended on him, and when I lost the privilege , I felt lost myself. And thats where I fucked up. That’s where I always fucked up. I will never grow up until I start learning to do stuff on my own. When I vent, its thought as complaining, so now I’ll always want to watch what I say, or just not say anything at all. I’ll never get to speak my mind, without it being judged in a bad way. 

I hate being on other peoples schedules. Hence why I want to be able to drive, I don’t need to have a car, but it’ll make life 10 times more easier for myself and everyone around me. I hate the fact that I will need people, just because I’ve been so used to it, I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, but its the fact that its difficult for me too just automatically start doing things on my own because I will need help. Right now I’m going through such a rough time, with my parents, their schedules, my friends, family problems, money problems, transportation, life.

I appreciate everything I have more than anyone thinks, and just because I seem like I don’t and I say things that make it seem like I take things for granted, but these are the things I think about most, because I can’t help it, or how Alenn says, I’m just being Tommy. And I hate knowing the definition of what is behind that saying. I don’t want to be known as that just because I feel like I can’t help it. Its not what defines me as a person, but thats how I tend to project myself. Now don’t get me wrong, being alone fucking sucks major balls. I’m not saying I want to be isolated from the rest of the world, I just want to be major independent and still have all the people I want and love in my life. I just hate relying on people, I hate feeling lost when someone ups and steps out my life even if its for a brief moment. I hate NEEDING peoples help, I wish I could do everything by myself, but right now, I can’t, and I hate that, because I’m on someone else’s schedule again. I hate not being able to worry about my later future, because I don’t even know whats going to happen tomorrow, and it’ll change everything. I know I should let other people affect me, but its kind of hard when you’re 16 and depending on your parents and they can’t even help you right now. I’m alone, but I’m not independent.  

I need to be alone, I need to be independent. It makes for a better life in the long run. Everything else will fall into place. It’s really sad I have to make it one of my dreams, but thats what I wish for. I want to want people in my life, not need them. I simply need to grow up. 

I’m only, if anything, just “okay” at anything I try or do. I never really can achieve any better because my mind and state chooses not to be. I’m never great at anything I do because I don’t try hard enough or put myself out there. Everything holds me back. And I’m tired of myself. I’ve been saying this for forever too! LMAO. It just sucks, knowing the biggest thing holding yourself back, is you. And you don’t know how to change it. I want to become best at what I do, and I want it. So much.

One day I want to have a baby wolf, like an actual wolf, and domesticate him. Dude, I will train the shit out of him and he’d be the bestest best friend I’ve ever had. It would be fucking awesome. And he wouldn’t just be any guard dog. He’d be my evil baby<3 GOD SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE ME TO A PLACE WHERE I CAN GET A WOLF. A TUNDRA WOLF. 

I never get enough sleep, I’m always tired and my sleep schedule is just all fucked up. One day I wish to fix my sleep schedule and finally get enough sleep and stop being so fucking tired every where I go. I always say this but it never follows through. I never get it back on track, and if I do, its not for long, so I need to stay committed into having my sleep schedule fixed and sleeping better, because this isn’t working out for me. Sometimes I think I’m sleeping for two people, I have this other half in some different parallel universe that I need to sleep for so he can get strength, or he’s always up, which makes me weak. I don’t fucking know, nothing makes sense anymore.

I want to be a good father and father figure to my kids when they’re born. I want to be able to be there for them, help my son get back up on that bike and say he got this, or clean up his boo boo when he gets hurt, or when my daughter is sad about what other kids say about her or when another boy takes her toys, I’ll be there to take her out to get ice cream and tell her everything is going to be alright and her daddy loves her. I want to do everything my father didn’t really do for me. Don’t get me wrong, my father was a great man, he just needs to get his priorities straight, and I’m barely in his top 5. He cares, but hes just not really a father figure, I love him, he was just never really there. I want to become a great father to my kids, no matter what, ups and downs, they won’t be afraid to come and talk to me about anything. I can’t even talk to my dad. It’s just hard too.

One day, I wish to learn how to control my emotions and express it in a good fashion. I’ve noticed I get angry and mad a lot. I become sad/depressed for no reason. So I wish to get better at all that, happiness is simple, I’m just making things complicated, and no lie, things along the way will still bother me and irritate me. But I’ll be better controlled, I need to learn to think more logically. Feeling and doing the things I’ve been doing the way I’m doing things aren’t good and healthy for me. I need to become better at inhaling good vibes, and exhaling anger and pain.

“Never make permanent decisions on temporary feelings.”

I want to travel to N. Seoul Tower in Korea or Tokyo’s Tower to put mine and my wife or future wife’s lock on the fence. The journey and such would be fun, and once we finally get there and place our locks on the fence, it’s our little promise of no separation. My definition of no separation is that no matter what, we’ll still be connected somehow, whether or not we work out, and its going to take a truly special person for me to think about even going there with. It’s memories and connection that I’m looking for here. I want the lock to hold a message on there also, so we can go back one day and reminisce.